I have always found some methods of greeting absurd.  Or, if I tried, I could find all of them absurd.  For example, “Hello!” It’s as if it has been derived from people greeting each other such as “HELLLL, oh,” as if they’ve been struck by one’s unfortunate appearance, then collected themselves enough to offer an “oh”.  So basically, “Hello” means “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT UGLY TERRIFYING CREATURE- oh, sorry it’s you.”  But after greeting each other like that for several years, it had been shortened and less emphasized to “Hello”;  A commonplace greeting.

Obviously I’m trying to be funny, because that actually doesn’t make much sense at all.  But there are greetings, or variations of greetings, that I find awkward, strange, or painful.  Here are 5.

1. The Death Shake: If you’ve never shaken hands with somebody who evidently felt the need to squeeze your hand until blood seeped through your pores, you can leave, because you wouldn’t understand.  I mean, WHY?  For me, it’s rarely ever women who issue such a painful greeting.  It’s normally men.  They smile, their eyes sparkling, and they, seemingly genuinely, claim that they are “Pleased to meet you!” and when you offer your hand for the common practice of hand shaking, you regret how “nice” it is to have met them when they squeeze your hand tightly enough to generate lasting pain.  Why, I wonder, trying not to wince, did they have to squeeze my hand so tightly.  Is it to prove their manliness?  Are they pretending like “Oh, sorry, did I squeeze it too tightly?  I didn’t notice, I’m just SO strong that I can’t help it, it was COMPLETELY unintentional.”  Yeah, as if anyone with an IQ over 50 lacks that much self control.  I would joke even that perhaps they were trying to show you what pain they could cause you, and that they are man, and man strong, so man hurt if need. man can hurt. man strong!!!! If women do this, it is usually epic body builder girls who offer a smug smile.  This annoys me. It was not nice meeting you. No. Maybe they just like screwing with teenage girls.  Sick.
2. Kiss Kiss! If you are at all whatsoever in-tuned to pop culture, you know that Europeans kiss each other on each cheek.  If you don’t live in Europe, this probably won’t apply to you.  But I live in Europe.  It is, indeed, as awkward as it sounds.  The worst part is, the Dutch offer a remix.  Rather than two kisses on each cheek, they have to screw you over by doing THREE kisses.  So then you do two, and they do three, and it’s like, “Oh. Oops.” So either a) you give them a very delayed 3rd kiss and it’s awkward, b) you don’t give them a third kiss and they wait and it’s awkward, or very very rarely c) You don’t give them a 3rd kiss and they don’t care. But they’ll probably still laugh at you.  Also, sometimes they don’t actually kiss you.  This, again, is probably just cultural (to Dutch).  You assume that they are like the French and you legitimately kiss them on the cheek, and they give you air kisses.  THAT is awkward.  Or it is the opposite- you’ve grown accustomed to giving air kisses (such as I have- and by the way, air kisses are STILL very awkward), and then they give you legitimate kisses on the cheek, which is both awkward and very uncomfortable.  So yeah.
3. SUP, broseph? Manly men greet themselves quite strangely, I find.  Each time they encounter another, the two males (usually teenage) erupt in an enthusiastic display of intricate, practiced “secret handshakes.”  They put on stoic expressions, while their hands are hard at work slapping and knuckling and shaking and waving.  How much time do guys have on their hands to develop these?  They pretend like it’s no big deal- of course they aren’t lame enough to spend time creating such masterpiece greetings.  The most interesting part is that these handshakes extend for a while.  The conversation will have already started, and their hands are still in action. “Sup, man?” “Nothing much, just going to the animal shelter to feed some bunnies.” “Cool, bro, for CAS?” “Yeah man, all the chicks are there.”* Meanwhile, their fingers are ballroom dancing.  It’s a marvel.
4. What. This one is a heart breaker.  It isn’t so much a greeting as a reaction to a greeting; reaction as in a REJECTION.  Example: “BRIGIT!!!!” (this is how I greet my friends when I see them, since Hello, as mentioned previously, might be found offensive.  As long as I get their names right, this should suffice, right? Wrong.) “What?” Ouch. Heart. Sunk. I then sulk off to a corner and sob at this rejection.  I was enthusiastically greeting you, and then you respond with “What?” in an annoyed tone?  It’s as if it’s a crime to be excited to see your friends these days!  Is this really what our friendship means to you?  Do you actually believe that if I want to talk to you, the only valuable response is “What do you want?” because my will to interact can only be negative?  It’s deeply offending.  I do give this lecture to Brigit every time she does this to me. (I love you Brigit <3)
5. Hugs I could devote an entire blog on the etiquette of hugs, and I probably will.  But as a greeting, there are so many ways this could go wrong.  Since I’m the most awkward being in existence, I have plenty of experience on how bad hugs can be.  First, when you don’t know the person.  Perhaps there’s a group of people, and it’s been a while, and so you hug them.  Then there’s that one random who you don’t really know.  They didn’t get a hug, and they look a little down.  Or maybe (and it’s likely) that’s just your imagination.  So after a significant amount of time, enough time where it becomes obvious you were reluctant, you decide to hug that person.  It’s awkward for everyone else, and if you were mistaken for that person’s want for a hug, it can get reaaaaally awkward.  And it just sucks.  And thinking about it makes me tremble in shame, fear, and anxiety.  Like I said, There are several ways for hugs to go wrong in greeting, so I’m keeping it at once example or it will expand by far too much.  besides, I’m sure you are familiar with some others.

So there is my list of unconventional and often unpleasant greetings.  Please offer any you have to add, and don’t pretend none of these have ever happened to you.  Unless you’ve never greeted anybody.  In that case… Hello.

Anddd goodbye!